payalnayak23Everyone has their first love or I should say the only fairytale of our lives. Have you encountered the pain or have you ever heard the phrase “my first heartbreak?” Doesn’t it take you back to the strong connection between your first love and your heart?
I woke up on an awfully quiet night. When I couldn’t fall back asleep, I went to the terrace and started looking at the stars. To be honest, I was feeling alone. I wanted to talk to someone and so scrolled my contact list. Suddenly, I feel like there’s a blur on my screen and only one name seems clear, “Sekhar.” Tears rolled down my eyes and I started thinking about those days and… him! This is the story of my first love and my first heartbreak.
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My first heartbreak – “This isn’t how fairytales end”
It all started in the year 2012 when I changed my school in the class 9th. Everything seemed new to me and the stranger classmates like aliens. They didn’t know me, and I didn’t know them. But I was a bit hesitant to talk to anyone.
There were about forty students in my class including me. As I sat there observing my new environment, I observed each one, and their behavioral patterns. The more I saw them, the more I felt uncomfortable being in an environment so new to me. There was a strange sensation within me and felt cold. In short, I was afraid of the new surrounding while I thought about if I would have any friends here. “Can I adjust to my new life which commenced a couple of minutes ago? Can I cast an impressive image in front of the new teachers?” I wondered.
So caught in my thoughts, I didn’t realize that I had switched on my daydreaming mode and had cut off from reality. It wasn’t until my teacher screamed, “Smriti! Smriti, introduce yourself to the class. Are you listening to me Smriti?
” Oh, I am so sorry, ma’am. I just…” I didn’t have an explanation.
“Hello, I’m Smriti Sudha, a transfer student. I hope I can adjust to this environment and make some lovely friends now that I’m here. “
Over time, I realized that many of them were friendly. So, I didn’t face any problems while adjusting. I went to the hostel after the class and arranged my room. The girl who once lived alone in a room with her own space was now sharing her room with nineteen others. Somehow, I simply couldn’t sleep that night.
On the next day, I was on time for the PET class. I could get away with running since I was new and the teacher didn’t think he should scold me on my first day.
Life in the hostel wasn’t easy. I was experiencing a life where I had to live like a poor child, obey all the rules, line up in a queue for lunch/breakfast /dinner, and never complain about the quality of the food! But now that I look back, it was the most beautiful and exciting experience of my life.
And then finally, I met that person who changed my life and me completely; the person who has given me these sleepless nights. And this is how I found my first love.
After the first class, the librarian called for me to collect my new books. Little did I know that I was on the way to collect some one-sided love. Suddenly, I bumped into a guy with brown deep eyes, an innocent face, seductive lips, twinkling eyelids, and mesmerizing voice. Once again, I was lost in my imaginary world and suddenly something happens.
“Hello! Hello, are you okay? I am sorry I was unable to see you. Did you get hurt somewhere? Hey, are you okay?? ”
I came back to the real world and I stammered, “Yeah yeah… I aah… I am okay. I am sorry.” And I ran to the library. I was lost in the thought that this is the starting of my fairy tale. “Is he my first love?”
Homo sapiens or humans cannot remember the normal feelings of any normal day. But I… I remembered all the details of those two days because it is among the two most important days of my life.
Memory is a very complicated creation of the ultimate power of the universe. We try very hard to remove something from our minds but we fail and within a moment we can remove something from the mind, unknowingly.
It was the third day when I could not sleep but the reason is different I was lost in thoughts, his eyes, voice, lips, had a strong control on my mind as if I was hypnotized by his eyes. I felt obsessed with his voice and his lips were attracting me as if I was intoxicated with some strong drugs.
I was a mere grade nine student and had no idea what I was feeling. So, shared everything with one of my friends, Riya and she teased me, “You’re in love!” She explained it to me so explicitly, “It’s that drug that can convince you to do anything for the person you love; it’s toxic. Don’t fall into the trap! And if it’s a one-sided love, the toxicity escalates!
To be honest, she had explained it but every word was from her parents to her. And as the human tendency, I got attracted to do the same thing which I was instructed not to do.
I didn’t even know when I fell into the trap of love and started liking that person. Oh sorry, he has a name, It’s “SEKHAR,” you can call him the protagonist of my life, at least until now.
I followed him everywhere, stalked him, and started changing myself for him- the way I spoke, wrote, behaved, believed, just about everything! It took me some months to change. Although, this wasn’t a conscious effort. It was then I was drowning in love with Sekhar.
In between, Shekhar and I grew to be great friends. There wasn’t anything I didn’t know about him. Although we weren’t allowed to talk to boys in our school, we found our ways. I must admit, it was a lot of fun breaking the rules. Sometimes in the corridor, sometimes in front of the toilet, sometimes behind the rack in the library- we always found many ways to talk.
I stopped myself, from confessing my love to him because of my family. But a year later, when I went home for the holidays and returned, I had a strange feeling that something bad was going to happen. It was a very restless feeling. I never believed in superstitions, but that day my mind forced me to. Every single step I took escalated my fears. If only I had known that my one-sided love would meet its dead end, I wouldn’t have walked in further. And that was the beginning of my first heartbreak.
I didn’t know 16th September 2013 would become the black day of my life. Sekhar didn’t talk to me; damn, he didn’t even give me a smile.
I was a little bit worried and asked him, “Sekhar are you okay? Did something happen?”
His response was cold. “Yeah, everything is fine. I am busy can we talk later?”
“Okay, sure, let me know when you are free. I have to talk to you about something very important.” Yes, I was prepared to confess my love.
On that night, my roommates were gossiping about something when I entered and realized they looked confused. I just heard a phrase before entering the room, “He proposed to her.” I got curious and asked, “Who proposed to whom?”
Oh, and by the way, the news of my one-sided love for Shekhar had spread like wildfire. All thanks to Riya! Everyone knew about my feelings.
Pallavi tried to handle the situation, “Smriti, come sit with us. We were just gossiping. It’s not important. So, what have you been up to today?”
I was shocked. Palla was someone who couldn’t sleep without telling everyone about every gossip in the school and hostel. And she refused to share it? I gave them a slight smile and joined them. They changed the topic, and I knew something was up.
One of them, suddenly whispered to another, “I still can’t believe Sekhar proposed Sweety.” I heard it!
“What? Have you lost it?” I screamed. My heart raced. My first love was going down the path of my first heartbreak and I didn’t know how to express it. It felt like I didn’t hear her correctly. Wait!! Did I hear it right?
I felt like within a second my heartbeat stopped, eyes drowned, lips quivering, and everything blurring before me. I distinctly keep the exact time in my memory when I realized all my hopes, all my expectations, all my love, no longer mattered. My feelings no longer had a destination. I lost the love of my life!
My first heartbreak broke me into millions of pieces. I managed to control my feelings, smiled, and asked them if it is true. And they told me everything.
“When you went home for a few days, Sweety and I were attending the remedial classes. We didn’t go home so we could take these classes. When we came out from the washroom after the class, we found Shekhar waiting there, who asked Sweety to stay back for a while. Apparently, he proposed to her after I left them together.”
I said, “Okay it’s good that he loves someone. Why are you all behaving this way?”
Sikha replied, “You love him, don’t you? He was your first love Smriti, and…”
I asked, “And? And what? My first heartbreak?”
I laughed at her and clarified, “I do not love him. We were just close friends and nothing else. And if you are concerned about those feelings that I shared with Riya, then don’t It was just a small crush and nothing more.”
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I don’t know if they believed everything I said but they cared enough to never bring up that topic again. But the broken pieces of my heart had indeed shown me the pain of my first heartbreak.
The next day, I woke up with dark circles, feeling more tired than ever. All of my classmates asked me why I looked so puffy even after sleeping for so long. I didn’t want to tell them that I had cried out my feelings all night and hadn’t caught a wink. Just then, I saw Shekhar standing outside.
“Sekhar, wait, I need to talk to you.”
Sekhar turned back and said, ” Yes I want to talk to you too.”
I smiled and replied ” Okay let me ask first. Did you propose to Sweety?”
Sekhar laughed and said, ” Oh it’s my turn, yes, I’ve been feeling things for her for the last two months, so I finally proposed to her. I am sorry I didn’t share my feelings about her with you, even though you are my closest friend. And…”
I could feel that awkwardness on his face like he wanted to say something but couldn’t as if he was afraid of hurting me.
“And? What? Say it, Sekhar, What happened?”
He tried hard to hide his emotions but couldn’t. “And we should stay away from each other. I don’t want sweety to misunderstand us. I hope you understand.”
I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, “Okay, if that’s what you want.”
I didn’t have the courage to face him after that. The way I hid my feelings for him is inexplicable. I felt like a dead body.”
With a guilty look, he asked me “Listen, you said you wanted to tell me something important that day. What was that? “
It’s very hard to smile when you have a lot of pain to hide. With a little smile and grief, I said, “There’s no point to that now. You’ll know when it’s the right time, God willing. ” I left and didn’t turn.
We never spoke again and I was back to spending sleepless nights. Among all my imaginations, I never imagined my first heartbreak.
I tried very hard to move on and felt like I had moved on well after a few months. I thought I had completely gotten over it. But it was all so difficult, to fake my happiness, to cry on the pillow, and to smile even though it hurt!
I hid those painful feelings in a pile of other emotions for seven years. No one ever knew of it. I was already doing by graduation, and life had strengthened me by then. When people looked at me, it was like I was on fire!
On the 19th of March 2019, our class organized a get-together and saw Shekhar there. I was living the myth that I have moved on. But I was wrong until I saw him again. All those memories, feelings, the pain flashed before me.
“Hey, how are you?” He asked, shattering my thoughts, again.
“I am fine. What about you?”
He said something very unexpected, “You love someone, don’t you? Tell me about him. Sweety and I are strong together. So she will not mind us talking to each other.”
It felt like a joke that he would speak to me when he wanted to and then waltz back in his girlfriend’s name?
“Why do you want to know? Will you convince the person to accept me?”
“Yes, why not?”
I smirked, “Oh! Can you? Seriously?” And he was confused.
I laughed at him, “Do you still remember that day when you asked me not to talk to you and asked me what I wanted to share but I told you it wasn’t the right time?”
“Yes?”
And then I said, “I was going to propose to you, Shekhar. Can you convince yourself to accept me?
Shekhar was confused, but I don’t think he understood how heartbroken I was. “Oh, okay… I didn’t know about it. Sorry, I think you would have gotten over me by…”
Before he could complete tears rolled down my eyes and I said, “I don’t think so. Sekhar, I have gone through so much. I lost my first love and suffered my first heartbreak. So, please, don’t try to be friendly with me now.”
It felt relieving to tell him everything, as though, it had to happen to help me feel better. But that was the day I didn’t see my first heartbreak as a painful experience again. I had destroyed seven years of my life already and didn’t have any more time to waste on it.
The sound of the early morning chirps woke me up from my memories, to realize I spent the entire night on the terrace remembering my first heartbreak. The sunrise was beautiful; the orange sun, reddish sky, and white clouds reminded me of my wish to watch a beautiful sunrise with my first love. But I realized, I loved myself enough to enjoy the sunrise alone. 
But I can safely say, my first heartbreak wasn’t really a fairy tale story!
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